What the hell happened in the past 5 days? During the workshop with my group and Jonathan? Is there anything I feel clearer about now? That I can hold on to? I had some split seconds of joy, accompanied with sincere frustration most of the time…

“Hey, stop”, says my Fool, “what’s wrong with frustration?! Have you forgotten that learning proceeds from frustration to mastery to boredom and back to frustration, that therefore frustration it is to be desired and mastery should be considered a transitory state? That the circumference encircles more and more of the world of ideas and spiritual understandings in our dance of consciousness.* –  ?”

I haven’t built an understanding yet, how I am in the “structure”, how the understanding of it is a tool to build a playful connection with myself and the world around.

When I say “My brain is smashed”, I say it in the context of my current narrative (e.g. feeling frustrated after a workshop). The “structure” though suggests to deal with “smashed brain” not only as a statement on my current status quo, but to take this very content into different areas:

*into “play”, meaning commentary (with the audience, engaging them into a rapport, opening up my personal experience since feelings and emotions are known by all of us)

*into “a play” (together with other characters, in a particular set)

*into “the play” (embodying the archetypal influences that are present)

Then, on my way to make this happen, something else comes in: my “running judgement”. My gatekeeper. The attitude that establishes itself within me as soon as I leave what’s known to me. For example, when talking with the audience, not knowing their reactions or how I will reply. Or when stepping into “a play” without knowing where it leads to and what will happen within it. Or when becoming an “influence”, speaking as “death”, speaking as “love”, speaking as “frustration” out of the instant.

My “running judgement” will stop me doing any of this. Or it will force me to act in a habitual way, which doesn’t allow the present moment to enfold – since I will drag it into what’s known to me. In any case, I will be under its influence. This inner “don’t go there”, “don’t do this” “this is boring” is a protection. Once needed it is now of no use anymore but does its duty…

So… How does the “structure” help me with my “running judgement”, with that thing that gets triggered in an instant, which belongs to me, which is active before I am even conscious of it?

Well, if I could rely on the existence of the “structure”, I would understand that underneath all I simply “am”. And that I engage my “I am” with all sorts of content (feelings, believes, stories). I myself create the content I am engaged with, consciously and unconsciously. And therefore, the more conscious I become, the clearer I become about the content I am engaged with.

I am astonished how difficult this feels though. If I feel e.g., reluctance, resistance or fear, I am so much “in it” that I don’t feel at all that I am in charge of it, that I can “flip” and can easily step out of the story and take on another perspective (which is the possibility that the “structure” holds).

The “structure” itself is without any content, no feelings, no narrative, nothing of this all. The “structure” is the existence of these three areas: play (being inwardly far, just talking about things), a play (being close, middle and far within a certain narrative) and the play (being inwardly close, the state of pure feeling and being). So there is the possibility of being close – middle – and far.

The “structure” is detached from any narrative. But any narrative can be brought forward within the structure. Moving within the structure means to move freely within close, middle  and far. So, I can easily feel stuck in fear, resistance, boredom. But looking at it from the perspective of the “structure”, these feelings are only an exchangeable content. So. What holds me back to see the “structure” rather than content? Why does my content seem more solid and real than the “structure”? Why I am identified (or close – middle or far) with a certain content? Whilst the “structure” can contain any other content as well?

EXPERIMENT +++ Facing what’s influencing me

1. In “play”. I will admit what I feel. I will just share, for example “I feel scared”. I will connect with the audience and see what happens, I might play another person’s “feeling scared”
2. In “a play”. I will fully accept feeling scared (not talking about it but really being it) – and then look at myself from another angle. There is Anne, feeling scared – and there is a witness of her, being scared. I will be both, her and the witness.
3. In “the play”. I will speak as “scaredness” whilst feeling its influence full on, I will speak as that influence that actually makes me feeling scared

*out of “Acting, Archetype and Neuroscience” by Jane Drake Brody

Let’s go! This site here will be an account of my “foolish work” – and I set it up to have a blog rather than a block. …

Today I want to become clearer why I actually pursue the “foolish work” at all.

For me this work is similar to being in touch with life itself. It’s an experiential encounter with myself and with other people through play. Through extemporatised play with what’s going on inside and outside. It helps me to understand more about the influences we share as human beings. This work teaches me who I am – which is crucial since this is the only place where I can truly make a difference. Furthermore the foolish work urges me to be in the present moment (to re – member what is present).

The present moment is the only time that is really ours, it’s in these few seconds in which life happens and is actually experienced – in the body, in the senses, in our relation to the world around us. And I love this work since making experiences, to learn and grow and apply my understanding – isn’t it why I am here for?

No, it’s about living well and not to bother too much and to best look at the nice things … and I don’t want to meet people that I don’t know plus I really don’t need to remember the present moment and such bullshit, thank you!

Well, there is the outer world and there is the inner world. And the workings of our inner world, out of which we perceive the world, seem to be a vast terra incognita. To look inside is not a proper thing to do. And it isn’t even convenient to do …

When stepping into the empty space, the “foolish work” relentlessly reveals what is present inside myself. What’s popping up is my conditioning, my self-defense, my avoidance of being vulnerable. I step into the “empty space” … but the empty space is crowded with all this, with fear of judgement, the desire to perform well, the alienation of being seen … and so on.

And the offer of this work is to release these feelings by simply feeling them and bringing them into play – this release is done for ourselves as well as for those witnessing. And this is why I value this work so much: it can give life changing experiences for all engaged, since it shows that in us “there is nothing either good or bad but thinking makes it so”. The Fool doesn’t think about life, the Fool is experiencing life. The Fool suffers from restrictions as much as she is free of them. The Fool doesn’t cling to one side as he isn’t stuck in any narrative. The Fool is essentially nothing but flowing life force, experiencing whatever comes along with curiosity.

Ahh, no thanks, I don’t want to feel neither my conditioning nor my defenses and furthermore I am not a performer at all. And I think self-defense is healthy, why should I turn into a naïve child again and run around being curious? Apart from that I am certainly right to have bad feelings about what’s going on these days, regardless of any thinking. No, no, I can happily live without this “foolish work”. And the last thing I want, really, is to be witnessed by stumbling about and showing myself. I definitely know other things that are more fun to do!

Well, we are performing anyway. And in this work, we can feel us directly.

And especially to bounce against my shortcomings, out of all other aspects, makes me conscious of how they make me I treat myself and the world around me. And becoming more conscious about this I can use my free will far more intentional for what I actually want to perform – on whatever stage.