What the hell happened in the past 5 days? During the workshop with my group and Jonathan? Is there anything I feel clearer about now? That I can hold on to? I had some split seconds of joy, accompanied with sincere frustration most of the time…

“Hey, stop”, says my Fool, “what’s wrong with frustration?! Have you forgotten that learning proceeds from frustration to mastery to boredom and back to frustration, that therefore frustration it is to be desired and mastery should be considered a transitory state? That the circumference encircles more and more of the world of ideas and spiritual understandings in our dance of consciousness.* –  ?”

I haven’t built an understanding yet, how I am in the “structure”, how the understanding of it is a tool to build a playful connection with myself and the world around.

When I say “My brain is smashed”, I say it in the context of my current narrative (e.g. feeling frustrated after a workshop). The “structure” though suggests to deal with “smashed brain” not only as a statement on my current status quo, but to take this very content into different areas:

*into “play”, meaning commentary (with the audience, engaging them into a rapport, opening up my personal experience since feelings and emotions are known by all of us)

*into “a play” (together with other characters, in a particular set)

*into “the play” (embodying the archetypal influences that are present)

Then, on my way to make this happen, something else comes in: my “running judgement”. My gatekeeper. The attitude that establishes itself within me as soon as I leave what’s known to me. For example, when talking with the audience, not knowing their reactions or how I will reply. Or when stepping into “a play” without knowing where it leads to and what will happen within it. Or when becoming an “influence”, speaking as “death”, speaking as “love”, speaking as “frustration” out of the instant.

My “running judgement” will stop me doing any of this. Or it will force me to act in a habitual way, which doesn’t allow the present moment to enfold – since I will drag it into what’s known to me. In any case, I will be under its influence. This inner “don’t go there”, “don’t do this” “this is boring” is a protection. Once needed it is now of no use anymore but does its duty…

So… How does the “structure” help me with my “running judgement”, with that thing that gets triggered in an instant, which belongs to me, which is active before I am even conscious of it?

Well, if I could rely on the existence of the “structure”, I would understand that underneath all I simply “am”. And that I engage my “I am” with all sorts of content (feelings, believes, stories). I myself create the content I am engaged with, consciously and unconsciously. And therefore, the more conscious I become, the clearer I become about the content I am engaged with.

I am astonished how difficult this feels though. If I feel e.g., reluctance, resistance or fear, I am so much “in it” that I don’t feel at all that I am in charge of it, that I can “flip” and can easily step out of the story and take on another perspective (which is the possibility that the “structure” holds).

The “structure” itself is without any content, no feelings, no narrative, nothing of this all. The “structure” is the existence of these three areas: play (being inwardly far, just talking about things), a play (being close, middle and far within a certain narrative) and the play (being inwardly close, the state of pure feeling and being). So there is the possibility of being close – middle – and far.

The “structure” is detached from any narrative. But any narrative can be brought forward within the structure. Moving within the structure means to move freely within close, middle  and far. So, I can easily feel stuck in fear, resistance, boredom. But looking at it from the perspective of the “structure”, these feelings are only an exchangeable content. So. What holds me back to see the “structure” rather than content? Why does my content seem more solid and real than the “structure”? Why I am identified (or close – middle or far) with a certain content? Whilst the “structure” can contain any other content as well?

EXPERIMENT +++ Facing what’s influencing me

1. In “play”. I will admit what I feel. I will just share, for example “I feel scared”. I will connect with the audience and see what happens, I might play another person’s “feeling scared”
2. In “a play”. I will fully accept feeling scared (not talking about it but really being it) – and then look at myself from another angle. There is Anne, feeling scared – and there is a witness of her, being scared. I will be both, her and the witness.
3. In “the play”. I will speak as “scaredness” whilst feeling its influence full on, I will speak as that influence that actually makes me feeling scared

*out of “Acting, Archetype and Neuroscience” by Jane Drake Brody